_Pain_

Painful Memories

August 31, 2006:
No Control

So... I've been depressed today more or less, more so when I got home from work, and running the errands we had to do... but when I got home, I got online for a few, and then I decided it would be best for me to lay down, and try to go to sleep, well seeing how I wasn't tired, my laying down only led to thoughts going through my head... and then I got depressed, and then I decided to write, and well I am writing right now, so I guess that brings us up to date then dosn't it. So yesterday, I asked someone from my test to tell me why things between me and them never worked, so I would have some closure on that chapter of my life, for it seemed that I was being held down by it, much like other things in my life, that one day I will get the nerve to ask the people involved why things happened the way they did... anyways, so in the responce that I got.... I was suprized at how many things were mentioned that I had A: forgot about, or B: had no Idea of.... Let me say this, cause I know the person I am speaking of will read this, I am very happy, that you were honest with me, and again I want to thank you for replying to the letter. I guess what hurt me the most in it, is the fact that she, as well as others close to me have noticed my drinking habits, becoming more and more of an issue in my life. It's not that I drink that is the problem, at least to me it's not... however the problem is that I don't seem to know when to stop drinking once I start... I tend to continue drinking until A: I pass out, or B: someone makes me go to bed, where I pass out.... which is the problem, cause well before the passing out stage, I need to tell myself, Hey, I think we've had enough... lets call it a night. Also, it seems to her, as well as to me now, that the only fun I have anymore, is when I am drinking with my friends. As she said, and this is by no means a quote, but she misses the goofy guy who knew how to have a good time without drinking.... or something to that extent, I am too lazy to go to my email and see exactly what she said, but you get the picture, well anyways, that hit home.... that is the only thing in the email that really hurt me... for the fact that I know what alcohol does to people, I know the pain it causes people close to you, and I always told myself, I would never drink... but I started drinking, so then I told myself that I would never get drunk, well then I started getting drunk, then I told myself I know when to stop, and well as anyone who has been to my partys know, I don't know when to stop, I don't even get in the ball park of when I should stop, I keep drinking and drinking until like I said, I pass out, or am forced to go to bed, by my friends, whom God love them, I don't know where I would end up if I was allowed to continue drinking. I see that there is a problem... but I don't know how to fix it, and I'm not sure right now I want to fix it, cause I have to admit, I have alot of fun at the parties... and so does everyone else. I do however realize that I need to slow down a little, and not drink all I can all at once.... the last time we we're all together, I don't even remember half of the night... and that scares me... cause nothing bad happened, at least not that I am aware of, but the fact remains it something bad could have happened. So to anyone who reads this that attends said parties, please keep an eye on me, and even if I get mad at you, make me stop drinking, while I still can walk, and still know whats going on.... I read something, that scared me alot, when it comes to drinking, it said, when you intake enough alcohol to make you pass out, you are only a few (2 or 3) drinks away from being dead. Well I know one thing... the last time we we're all together, had J and T, not forced me to go to bed, where I immediatly passed out, I would have had more to drink, and it's hard telling what would have happened. So people reading this who are smart, would say well maybe you should stop having parties... and I am sure they are right.... but I am not smart, cause I am already making plans to have another party... but at the next one I am going to see if I have learned anything about when to stop... so lets all hope that I have. I am almost positive this is just a phase I am going through, its one of those things I should have done when I was younger, but was too worried about being a good kid to do so. Much like me smoking, I'm hoping this is just a phase and one day I will be able to fight off the addiction I seem to have to cigs... but for right now, I'm enjoying both too much to stop, and I'm sure much like everything else in my life, both will lose there novilty to me, and I will stop... I just hope that happens before it's to late. So I just want to say thanks to the person who wrote that, and made me start to think about my drinking habits, and I know that you told me if this is who I am then don't change, but we both know this isn't me.... and one day I know I will stop doing it, but right now, I just wanna enjoy life, and have fun, and drinking is fun, as long as I can keep myself under control. Which is why it's not who I am, cause I am one who is very good at controling there self, but I don't know why I can't seem to do that when alcohol is involved. Anyways I guess I am done rambeling about that... and I guess my not writing thing I talked about in the first post on this blog, is over.... after all I said it wouldn't last long... I guess what I meant is it would only last a day :). So enough about all that, I also want to say, "Wish me luck"... I applied for a managment position at walmart today. In a way I hope I get it, but in a way... I don't really want it. The money would be nice, I would be making more than double what I make now, but the hours really suck, 54 hours a week, thats 14 more than I work now, well over 14 seeing how I never work 40 hours a week anymore... but I keep telling myself the money will be worth it, you will no longer have to worry about money, and live from pay day to pay day... cause you will be making double what you make now... so even if I get offered its not for sure that I will take it, I just hope I get offered the position. Well I think I have wrote enough for tonight, I make post some lyrics, or quiz results depending on what else I do before going to bed, but for now, I am going to end this. Take care

Chris's Memories Cause Him Pain At 1:54 AM

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*Just Me Is All I Am *

Name: Chris
Age: 22
Birthday: 4-14-1984
Work Place: Walmart

Other Places
you can find
me on the web

Myspace[x]
Louisville Mojo[x]
Deviant Art[x]
Old Blog[x]

"No matter what,
I believe that
every memory
is precious...
and although
keeping these
memories of you
will only make it harder,
I want to carry
them with me.
Then someday, surely,
I will be able to become
someone who will not be
held back by
these memories of you..."

More About Me
I like going on walks ... I like holding hands. I like looking at the stars and I love hiking. Camping is one of my favorite things to do -- especially in the summer. I love taking pictures; I don't like when people take pictures of me. I love laughing, I love being silly, I love when people aren't afraid to be silly sometimes. I love cartoons. I love blogging -- no matter how geeky it is. I love board games. I love to sing, even though I'm not very good at it. But if you ask me to sing for you, I probably won't. It has to be spontaneous. Music is important to me and I will not tolerate music that is degrading or crude in any way. I love snail mail ... I love cards. I love getting mail, but I like sending it even more. Writing is my passion -- get used to it. Even the simplest language is beautiful if phrased correctly. I don't like when people use "their" instead of "there" or "your" instead of "you're". Once in a while, a mistake is okay ... every time you use it is not. I have strong opinions ... I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak -- especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness ... because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately. I'm not always as confident as I seem ... there are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what is bothering me ... sometimes I just want a hug ... someone who will let me cry. I like when people cry in front of me -- when people aren't afraid to show what they're really feeling. I don't like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn't do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. "I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh." I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart ... and my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever. I like playing Nintendo. I like playing with my website. I don't like to run, I'd rather walk. I love long showers and the feeling of my teeth after they have been brushed. I do not like the dentist or the doctor ... I'll probably gripe about going to both of them, no matter how necessary it might be. Needles are a phobia -- Buzzing is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane. If there is a bee in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else. I like food, even if it's not good for me. I like Shakespeare, even though I don't understand him. I love to learn -- I ask a lot of questions. Even if you honestly don't know, I will probably continue to ask until you give me an answer. I'm very gullible -- please don't abuse that fact. I like things that make you think, things that make you reexamine your beliefs. I'm not comfortable talking openly about sex. I do not like being told things just to make me happy. I would rather be told the truth and be hurt than be "protected" and happy. I overreact sometimes. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or out of line. I like people who are strong enough to face me when I'm raging ... people who will let me be angry for a little while ... people who won't think less of me for my somewhat sporadic mood swings. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I threaten to run away from the situation that is causing me pain. All I want is to be told honestly that I'm loved ... that I should stay ... sometimes I need to hear it multiple times. But if you'll be a little persistent, I'll give in. If I really love you, I might start picking fights over stupid things ... for no reason. It means I'm bored. That things have gotten monotonous. I love just going with the flow ... I don't always want things planned out. I'm indecisive -- there are too many things I would really like to do ... and I'm afraid you won't like what I choose. I am afraid of being lonely ... of having my heart broken ... of not being appreciated or wanted. Of people not knowing how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of drowning, of choking and of not understanding. I'm not afraid to be myself or of interacting with people who are different than me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it publicly. My friends are the most important people in the world to me. My friends are mostly girls. I enjoy hanging out with them much more than I do with most guys. That's just how I am, it's how I've always been ... I will probably always be this way. I will not date one of my female friends if they have previously dated one of my male friends. I respect those boundaries far too much to destroy a friendship for a relationship that might not last. I like hot popcorn and brand new sharpies. I love paper and journals. I'm a huge packrat. Boy Meets World is my favorite show ... Kyle XY is #2. I love the smell of new books and new houses ... I don't like the smell of new cars or air fresheners. I love bread and soft serve ice cream. I love to work, it makes me feel productive and useful. It keeps me from being idle. I hate feeling useless. I love staying up late and I love sleeping till noon though I will never sleep enough. Coloring is fun ... drawing is not. My dog is better than your dog. My two favorite animals are cats and penguins. I don't like math but I understand it ... I don't understand science but I like it. I love reading for hours on end ... especially outside on a sunny day. I love the sun ... but I hate being warm. I love playing in the rain and sitting outside when it's stormy. I like making snowmen and snow angels ... and I like the handprints in the middle when I get up. I support and appreciate people who can argue their point in an educated manner, who have a logical reason for things -- even if I don't agree. I don't like when people can't support themselves ... I don't like laziness. I'm trying to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and I admire people who know how. I like mismatched decorations and sappy letters. I love to cuddle. I love being close. I love having friends and I love laughing with my friends -- especially at work. I love partying with my friends after work. I'd rather be cold than hot and I would rather eat chicken than beef. I don't like pork chops. I love bacon and eggs. I admire integrity and honesty -- I love when people aren't "too tough" to forgive. I love best friends and old friends ... and I love when new friends become old friends. I like alcohol ... and cigarettes ... but no other drugs. I don't like what drugs do to people. I will not date someone who uses them. Period the end. I believe in love. Real, true, amazing, passionate love. I believe in my self ... I believe in other people. I will never give up on the people I really care about, even if they break my heart a thousand times. I believe in God and I know He will never give up on me ... even if I break His heart a thousand times. I could fill a book with my thoughts ... and someday I will. I want to be published, I want to be known. I love the city ... but I will only live in the country. I want to be a teacher, yes, and I will be. But I want to be a husband, a father, and a friend first. I want to help others ... starting with my friends. I want to love others ... starting with myself. I love blankets -- even in the summer. I love fans ... even in the winter. Fresh air and natural light cure just about anything. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose ... that it is up to us to discover that purpose ... and that more often than not, we won't understand ... even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best. Always. I don't like words I can't understand ... especially when they're used in everyday conversation. I think clichÃ©s are amusing and though I feel weird using them to justify things, I do anyway. But only sometimes. I'm allergic to everything that is outside in the springtime, but I will never refuse an opportunity to go outside. I like people who can make me laugh ... I love making people laugh. I don't blush easily, but if I do, it means something. I like people who make me think about things ... people who willingly put up with my absentmindedness and like it. Common sense has never been one of my strong points. I'm not afraid to laugh at myself ... nor am I afraid to laugh at other people. I have a hard time letting go and when I love, I love deeply. I'm sincere and genuine ... and I like people who are sincere and genuine. People who respect themselves. If someone hurts me, I'm going to talk to my friends about it ... I'm a relational person, that's what I do. If I'm angry, I will always tell you about it. I will try to work things out and if I have my way, we will work things about before going to bed. I believe strongly in the scripture in Ephesians that advises not to let the sun go down on your anger. I like homemade cookies and handcrafted gifts. I'd rather give you something sentimental than something practical ... but I'm not against practicality. If I'm shopping and something silly catches my eye and makes me think of you, chances are ... you'll be receiving it shortly thereafter. Silly gifts make life enjoyable. Inside jokes are amazing ... remember whens are mind blowing. Getting together with three of your best friends from high school and looking at middle school yearbooks -- a four and a half years after graduation -- is one of the most amusing things in the world. I love applesauce and apple juice. I don't like eating apples whole. I don't like paying for parking ... and I would rather park farther away if it's free. If something is broken, I'll probably leave it broken until I need it next. My room is usually messy because I usually don't have time to clean it. But eventually I will clean it ... and the next day, it will probably be messy again. It happens. I would rather carry out the plans than create the plans. I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended ... but endings bring about strength and teach lessons that could never have been learned otherwise. And I can definitely appreciate that. In the words of Langston Hughes -- "I like to eat, sleep, drink, and be in love. I like to work, read, learn, and understand life.