Painful Memories
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So... I've been depressed today more or less, more so when I got home from work, and running the errands we had to do... but when I got home, I got online for a few, and then I decided it would be best for me to lay down, and try to go to sleep, well seeing how I wasn't tired, my laying down only led to thoughts going through my head... and then I got depressed, and then I decided to write, and well I am writing right now, so I guess that brings us up to date then dosn't it. So yesterday, I asked someone from my test to tell me why things between me and them never worked, so I would have some closure on that chapter of my life, for it seemed that I was being held down by it, much like other things in my life, that one day I will get the nerve to ask the people involved why things happened the way they did... anyways, so in the responce that I got.... I was suprized at how many things were mentioned that I had A: forgot about, or B: had no Idea of.... Let me say this, cause I know the person I am speaking of will read this, I am very happy, that you were honest with me, and again I want to thank you for replying to the letter. I guess what hurt me the most in it, is the fact that she, as well as others close to me have noticed my drinking habits, becoming more and more of an issue in my life. It's not that I drink that is the problem, at least to me it's not... however the problem is that I don't seem to know when to stop drinking once I start... I tend to continue drinking until A: I pass out, or B: someone makes me go to bed, where I pass out.... which is the problem, cause well before the passing out stage, I need to tell myself, Hey, I think we've had enough... lets call it a night. Also, it seems to her, as well as to me now, that the only fun I have anymore, is when I am drinking with my friends. As she said, and this is by no means a quote, but she misses the goofy guy who knew how to have a good time without drinking.... or something to that extent, I am too lazy to go to my email and see exactly what she said, but you get the picture, well anyways, that hit home.... that is the only thing in the email that really hurt me... for the fact that I know what alcohol does to people, I know the pain it causes people close to you, and I always told myself, I would never drink... but I started drinking, so then I told myself that I would never get drunk, well then I started getting drunk, then I told myself I know when to stop, and well as anyone who has been to my partys know, I don't know when to stop, I don't even get in the ball park of when I should stop, I keep drinking and drinking until like I said, I pass out, or am forced to go to bed, by my friends, whom God love them, I don't know where I would end up if I was allowed to continue drinking. I see that there is a problem... but I don't know how to fix it, and I'm not sure right now I want to fix it, cause I have to admit, I have alot of fun at the parties... and so does everyone else. I do however realize that I need to slow down a little, and not drink all I can all at once.... the last time we we're all together, I don't even remember half of the night... and that scares me... cause nothing bad happened, at least not that I am aware of, but the fact remains it something bad could have happened. So to anyone who reads this that attends said parties, please keep an eye on me, and even if I get mad at you, make me stop drinking, while I still can walk, and still know whats going on.... I read something, that scared me alot, when it comes to drinking, it said, when you intake enough alcohol to make you pass out, you are only a few (2 or 3) drinks away from being dead. Well I know one thing... the last time we we're all together, had J and T, not forced me to go to bed, where I immediatly passed out, I would have had more to drink, and it's hard telling what would have happened. So people reading this who are smart, would say well maybe you should stop having parties... and I am sure they are right.... but I am not smart, cause I am already making plans to have another party... but at the next one I am going to see if I have learned anything about when to stop... so lets all hope that I have. I am almost positive this is just a phase I am going through, its one of those things I should have done when I was younger, but was too worried about being a good kid to do so. Much like me smoking, I'm hoping this is just a phase and one day I will be able to fight off the addiction I seem to have to cigs... but for right now, I'm enjoying both too much to stop, and I'm sure much like everything else in my life, both will lose there novilty to me, and I will stop... I just hope that happens before it's to late. So I just want to say thanks to the person who wrote that, and made me start to think about my drinking habits, and I know that you told me if this is who I am then don't change, but we both know this isn't me.... and one day I know I will stop doing it, but right now, I just wanna enjoy life, and have fun, and drinking is fun, as long as I can keep myself under control. Which is why it's not who I am, cause I am one who is very good at controling there self, but I don't know why I can't seem to do that when alcohol is involved. Anyways I guess I am done rambeling about that... and I guess my not writing thing I talked about in the first post on this blog, is over.... after all I said it wouldn't last long... I guess what I meant is it would only last a day :). So enough about all that, I also want to say, "Wish me luck"... I applied for a managment position at walmart today. In a way I hope I get it, but in a way... I don't really want it. The money would be nice, I would be making more than double what I make now, but the hours really suck, 54 hours a week, thats 14 more than I work now, well over 14 seeing how I never work 40 hours a week anymore... but I keep telling myself the money will be worth it, you will no longer have to worry about money, and live from pay day to pay day... cause you will be making double what you make now... so even if I get offered its not for sure that I will take it, I just hope I get offered the position. Well I think I have wrote enough for tonight, I make post some lyrics, or quiz results depending on what else I do before going to bed, but for now, I am going to end this. Take care
Chris's Memories Cause Him Pain At 1:54 AM
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I have to block out thoughts of you
so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach
They crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
Dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head
Playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride,
There's a burning in my pride,
a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me
And will you never say that you love me
just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months
I’m sober now for 3 whole months
it’s one accomplishment
that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
The one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
In a sick way I want to thank you
for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
You never doubted my warped opinions
on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
You made me compliment myself
when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away
So I’ll drive so fucking far away
that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes
And do whatever it takes
in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say
And with a sad heart I say
bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street
Kicking shadows on the street
for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry
and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling
And then I fell down yelling
“Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back
Just make a smile come back
and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered
And then she whispered
“How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally
see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
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These are some symptoms that people have when they're depressed:
depressed mood or sadness most of the time
lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure
withdrawal from friends and family
irritability, anger, or anxiety
inability to concentrate
significant weight loss or gain
significant change in sleep patterns
feelings of guilt or worthlessness
aches and pains
pessimism and indifference
thoughts of death or suicide
When someone has five or more of these symptoms
most of the time for 2 weeks or longer,
that person is probably depressed.
depressed mood or sadness most of the time
lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure
withdrawal from friends and family
irritability, anger, or anxiety
inability to concentrate
significant weight loss or gain
significant change in sleep patterns
feelings of guilt or worthlessness
aches and pains
pessimism and indifference
thoughts of death or suicide
When someone has five or more of these symptoms
most of the time for 2 weeks or longer,
that person is probably depressed.
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So this is my new blog... I'm not sure when I'll be writing though... I'm going to take a break for awhile. Alot has happened the past few weeks... And I need to get my head straight, so I can make a fresh start. So please check back soon, I doubt this hiatus will last long.
Chris's Memories Cause Him Pain At 12:51 AM
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I'll stop changing blogs when things in my life stop changing :), but the way I see it, that won't happen for a long time :)
